『BLOOM』

Paperthin #2

You were born alone, you will leave this existence alone. So do more things for you, cuz’ in the end all those other people, don’t matter.

I really

don’t know what to do. Tomorrow I’m suppose to go out with my friend Andy from Bedford and he’s bringing along two girl friends. It’s my chance to make “girl” friends instead of the usual “bro” friends but I feel so uneasy. I’ve never really got along with girls and girls never really liked me (even though I’m a girl). Maybe it’s the way how most of them are so defensive in protecting themselves. My charity is to be called “fake” and my care-free attitude: “intimidating” or “bitchy”. I know I don’t fit in but it’s okay…! Because I know somewhere out there I know someone will love me for being real; just like my two best girl friends would (only two in the world). So I’m trying, but if you don’t like me, I’ll learn not to feel hurt nor cry. I’ll just say, “well, fuck you.”

Paperthin #1

Kiss the ones you love goodnight.

Ambition

If there’s on thing I love and despise in the world at the same time, I’d say it’s ambition. Ambition is what drives us, moves us forward. Going on the negative, ambition is what makes us greedy, thirsty for more. What’s important is how we prioritize, what’s important to us. It’s got me thinking “what happens if he becomes more ambitious, more money hungry…am I the first one out the window?”

“I’ll be there for you, always.” Just leave me alone, how many of you really stay?

Flashback

Some things, some people just wont disappear from your memories no matter how hard you try. For me, it’s high school. Throughout high school I was this character that I wasn’t. It’s not that confusing, we’ve all been something we weren’t. For me I made the wrong friends that ended up hurting me deeper than any and rumors were spread. I was called a bitch and sadly enough I lived up to it. I got tired of defending myself. So I am Bitch and Bitch am I. College came, I wanted to be myself, belong to myself. But it’s funny how one prank call could bring all these memories back to me. One prank call, called me all the names possible to sully a girl’s name, emotions. One prank call, reminded me how much I hated it all. One prank call…it’s silly how everything works out inside my head. When will these things stop coming back, or perhaps I’m still not strong enough.

Linger

It’s that feeling, that feeling that I can’t stand up for myself, tell you how I feel, you know? That feeling that if I do, you’ll stop loving me, find me needy and annoying..I need someone to need me the way I need them, understand how I feel; why I feel the way I do. I love you, I really do, but how am I to tell you? How am I to tell you that I saw those texts, how you tried to calm her down, and tell her that it’s not worth throwing away your relationship with her over me? Or how I can’t really differentiate between us two? Except that I have the name “girlfriend.” I wish I could tell you all this…I wish I didn’t care..I wish..you needed me and saw me just as important as the way I saw you.

I’m sorry

I don’t know what to do…I can’t quite save you, I can’t quite save anything..I tried. I wanted to be someone you could talk to, someone you could come to. I was prepared to do that. But it seems I can’t be enough, I can’t save anything or anyone. I’m sorry..I’m so useless..can someone..anyone not shun me out of their life? I don’t want to be shunned..not by you. Why does everything I love push me away? Am I that pathetic? I’m so sorry… please don’t leave me alone..